Larry had returned from his Emmaus Walk on Sunday, and mine was looming on Thursday. I was absolutely terrified, consumed with fear, that Monday. I had vehemently fought with Larry that morning, cycling through defensive anger and hysterical tears. I had a very real feeling of being forced to go on the retreat, and I didn't feel a sense that God had weighed in on it yet.
Larry had me take a Myers-Briggs personality test, trying to show how alike we are. That didn't turn out so well, but it listed me as similar to the Apostle Thomas. "Great," I said, "I'm the doubter." We talked some about it though, and Larry made me realize that God gave Thomas exactly what he needed, even when Thomas had never expressly asked for it. God heard what Thomas said, likely in anger, to the other apostles, and provided just that. (See John 20:24-27) What I needed was for God to tell me He wanted me to go.
It was after 1:00 when Larry and I finished talking and I'd not eaten in hours. Larry offered to go to McDonald's for me, but I said I was okay to go. As I pulled out of the garage, WBGL started playing 'Revelation' by Third Day, and I completely agreed.
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
I got to McDonald's and ordered, and then as I sat in the drive-through line I vaguely heard some lyrics.
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I got my food, and drove home, those words stuck in my head. I got home, sat down at my computer, and looked up the lyrics, descending into tears as I read.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life
(Chorus 2x)
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
(Chorus 2x)
It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had never heard 'By Your Side' before. He even used the words Jesus spoke to Thomas that Larry and I had talked about thirty minutes before. God was talking to ME! He wanted me to go, and made it clear in no uncertain terms. I was Thomas no more. The doubt was gone.
So, I went on the Walk, with those lyrics pasted inside my poetry notebook for me to look at whenever I needed to be reminded that my Savior had me in His hands, whenever I fell, whenever I called.
Oh, and the McDonald's food never did get eaten. The best meal I never had.
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Now playing: Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side
via FoxyTunes
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